[Matthew Cox]

This journal is a simple, black leather bound journal with unlined pages. The printing inside is blocky and heavily pressed into the pages

April 12, 2012

The trauma therapist suggested that I journal; of course, she meant that I use the tape cassette and verbally record myself talking since my new disability precludes me from actually writing.

I guess being a smart ass here is pointless, so pointing out that I'm actually writing my journal is redundant as anything could be. The changes wrought weren't all bad. Well. Hearing every little thing, tasting what the neighbors are cooking through the walls, and the weird radar sense.

How do I describe that? It's like...it's like feeling everything all at once. It's that spatial awareness of where your body is in a room, but you feel that with everybody little thing. I could get lost in it. It's almost scary with how much information I'm getting in, now.

I feel like I'm spending more effort and energy holding back the sensory tide than I am in processing it.

What would happen if I took it all in?

I'd probably be laid flat through the auditory overstim alone, nevermind the other three senses I still have.

Here's hoping I can sleep tonight...If I hear Dawson lay another hand on his wife, I'm going to wreck him.

[Matthew Cox]

April 15th, 2012

I wish other people could hear it the way I do. This city. My city. It's raucous and loud, uncouth in some parts. Taxis honking at all hours of the damned night, people yelling and screaming. And God help you on a game day, because every telly will be on and every fan screaming their heads off. Every pub will be filled with drinking and carousing. But I love it. It seeps into me and fills my bones. I can't sleep without the sounds of London caressing me with all of its harshness. It's a beautiful city, from the stately and historic monuments right on down to the filthy alleyways...it was a city of empires, the Queen City of the world at one point. More has happened on one street of this city than has happened in some countries.

It's beautiful, and it's mine. Not mine to own, or to lord over, but mine to protect. We are supposed to protect the things precious to us, and this city? It's my home. It was mine to protect when I was seventeen and signing my life to government service. It was mine to protect when I retired and took a job at Mi5. It's still mine to protect as I wear the cowl and horns of the Devil of London. I love this city, and I'd die to protect it.

The squall of humanity was overwhelming when I first became other. Now, I couldn't imagine life without he constant background thrum of heartbeats, breathing, moving, living...being. The idea of human beings is more real to me now. I've never felt more connected to my fellow man than I do now, now that I'm distinctly other than human. I've given up humanity to serve and protect my city, my people. I'm not their hero, but I'll be their defender.

And people...let me talk about people. The way I see them? As if God has granted me His sight on how we His children look to him, uniquely shaped and identically crafted with care. Every emotion is open to me all the time. I know when someone is sad, disappointed, angry, scared, happy, in love...I know before they do, sometimes.

It's...overwhelming. Its beautiful. I could spend all day just people watching. The most mundane of tasks has become increasingly important to me because it's a person doing it. Do you understand how important people are? Think of all the people you see every day. Even just on your way up the stairs to your office...and imagine knowing what each of them is feeling. That's where I live. That's my life and my perception. I could lose myself in a crowd, forget where my body is and just...exist. Just perpetually BE in a swarm of lives and feelings and breathing and heartbeats. It's magnificent. It's terrifying.

Humans are so strong and so fragile all at once. And not just physically. But emotionally? There's nothing like seeing someone gird up their courage up. To see it in their body temperature, their muscle tension, their hormones. It's an entirely different kind of expression...I wish you could see people the way I do.

[Matthew Cox]

April 17th

I never want to see that ugly mug again. Whatever had been hunting me last night was ferocious. Looks like a man, hunts like a wolf, fights like a demon. Hell, they call ME the Devil, but my head's still ringing after that bout.

As if that wasn't enough, I have to get ready for work in an hour or so. Let me guess: another set of paperwork with a problem that doesn't need solved with half the resources necessary to even do a crappy version of a shot solution.

Another glorious day in Her Majesty's service, right? At least I'll get to see Kat. I like her a lot. Probably more than I should, but...

She's pretty. Soft spoken, genuine, funny...yeah. I like her a lot.

[Matthew Cox]

April 20th

Should I tell her?

I hate lying to the people I care about, but this is a bigger secret than the typical dating drama. Not that I'd feel better about lying to her about that or anything...

God, please guide me. This is the kind of trust that can make a relationship stronger or destroy it completely. I want Rina safe and happy. I want to trust her. At the same time, I don't want to endanger her...what am I supposed to do?

[Matthew Cox]

April 23, 2012

I told her. I needed to. After that attack and being at Jon's, I couldn't keep lying. I almost died. Would have if not for my friend and new ally. Being so close to Death that you shake his hand was enough motivation for me.

My life is going to be too short for me to keep secrets from the people I love, and I love her. I love her wit, her fire, her willingness to help...she's God's gift into my life and I hope I can be the kind of man who is worthy of her affections. She makes me want to be a better man. She calls out all of my best qualities and soothes the worst of them away.

Thankfully, she seemed to take it well. Shocked, in awe, but not running for the foothills or calling the Hounds to arrest me. I don't know what I did to deserve to have her in my life.

[Matthew Cox]

May 7, 2012

Oh, God please forgive me.

What have I done? What have I been forced to do? Oh, God, please, show mercy on me. Forgive me, Father for I have sinned. I have let my pride snare me in a very real trap of my self and my soul.

She...Cora...there are so many things I could write as epithets to call her. Some profane, some crude, but the fact is this: she has me bound to her will and there's nothing I can do. I tried to kill myself, God forgive, but I failed. I'm trapped now, and I am terrified of what's to come of me. Slave? Weapon? I don't want to be her business partner. I don't want to fight for her, or even against her. I just want to run and be free, hang up the mask, and never fall to the sin of my pride by thinking I'm capable of dispensing Justice again.

This is punishment enough for my sins, Father. I repent of them...please release me from this hell and into your mercy!

[Matthew Cox]

May 12, 2012

I've got nobody else to talk to today. I may as well write it out here. Six years ago, I thought I had the worst of what life had to offer thrown into my lap. Hah. Hahaha. So funny.

Donny died. Mitchum died. Allens and I were wounded bad enough to get out of the active rotation for awhile. The whole mission....but why do I need to recount it when I dream it?

Nah. I'm just going to get wasted today. Blast old music, lament I can't look at my photos anymore...

How much alcohol is it going to take to get me into a bender? I'm already one bottle of scotch in, good scotch too, and I am just barely getting that tingly feeling. A whole bottle. Shit. I'm not a cheap date anymore.

Nineties radio. Whiskey. Drown out my senses. That's all I care about doing today.

[Matthew Cox]

May 13, 2012

What the hell is wrong with me?!

What the actual fuck, Cox? You kissed that demoness?!

And wrecked her kitchen. And learned that she's not as bad as you've been painting her.


What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I attracted to her? I love Katarina!

...who probably hates me now for what I did to her. Who hasn't seen me in a week after I shattered her heart in one of the worst examples of a break up in the history of mankind.

What the fuck is wrong with me...

Why do I keep thinking about Cora? I've got such a headache.

[Matthew Cox]

May 13, 2012

So what I wrote this morning was harsh. Given time to reflect, I've come to several realizations: I'm not going to have any friends after all of this is over. Cora and the Dark Lady are different from each other. Cora is sweet, intelligent, caring, and incredibly skilled. I admire her as much as I resent being held captive.

How do I become friends with someone that I've so vehemently fought against? I don't think I could give her myself so long as she is also the Dark Lady. Why is she like that? I think I need to go work out as I mull over this. We had a moment in the greenhouse (more on that later) and I panicked away to go think. Maybe I should go back and apologize...work out first. It'll help me clear my mind.

[Matthew Cox]

May 14, 2012

Well, yesterday did not go as planned. Where do I even begin? I guess I'll start where I left off. I went back to the greenhouse and talked with Cora. I accidentally spilled some sort of pollen over the both of us. Surprise! It was a magical plant that causes lust. Some luck I have, right?

We made out.

I am a bona fide jack ass SOB, right? It's too bad that the pollen also causes fever and hallucinations because that uninhibited feeling? Yeah. I liked it a lot. To be able to address the attraction I feel without the distraction of conflict or guilt...it was nice. I like how she tastes and feels. I like how strong she is, too.

To have a friend...it was...good. I'd kiss her again if I didn't think she'd slap me. Hell, my chances of getting back together with Kat are shot to hell. Even with the excuse of the curse, she wouldn't want me back. No...I hope she finds a man who treats her better than I did.

I miss chapel. I miss going to the sanctuary and just sitting in the quiet and the stillness and praying. Maybe in a few days I can convince Cora to go with me. But then I would want to go to confession, and I know she'd say no to that. Even if she didn't and I went, my inability to talk about certain things wouldn't make it genuine. Withholding would be bad. I'll just wait.

[Matthew Cox]

May 15, 2012

We've been avoiding each other. I can't say that I blame Cora, but the dynamic is almost uncomfortable. Stiflingly so. I've been reading, but I've tried to give her space out of respect. She can barely look at me after what I've done. Should I apologize? How do I even go about doing that? 'I'm sorry I got high on some bullshit magical pollen and made out with you, I enjoyed it, can we do it again some time,?' Not my best line. Not my worst either, come to think of it.

I dreamed about her last night. Her laugh, her scent. I've never seen her and I think I'm falling in love. Scary, hm? Is it the proximity? Is it the mutual respect? Is it the curse? I don't know. If it was just Cora, I think I'd have agreed to the partnership she offered at the beginning already.

Funny how I swore to fight until my death against the curse, yet here I am. I guess situations have changed. Or I've changed. The Dark Lady isn't even around that often. Maybe...

What if I did stop fighting? It's not like I can go back, right? If I've changed enough that working with Cora is a viable and attractive option, then I'm not fit for muggle life anymore. Klaus and my family really are the only things tying me to that world. Everyone else I don't think they'd understand. I don't even know if Klaus would understand. Either he will or I'll be the biggest disappointment of his life. I wish I could talk to him.

[Matthew Cox]

May 16, 2012

I'm done. It's over. I'm done fighting. I can't do it anymore. After what happened today? I can't fight against her. She and I can fight together, side by side, or I can't fight at all.

It all started off with an apology. How quickly it spiraled...a whirlwind, some manic energy, some trickster spirit, I don't know. We love each other. We made love. Oh, and what am I doing that was. What freedom! What incarceration...I'm hers. By my own hand, no less. I don't even regret it.

We've decided to break our curses, and we've talked about traveling the world together. Occlumency. She directed me towards a book about guarding my mind. Most of it sounds like meditation and mindfulness and compartmentalization. It can't hurt to try, right? I want it to work. I don't remember what it feels like to be free anymore. I'm getting comfortable being not free.

It's a simple feeling. You do what you're asked, you stay in the boundaries. Anything inside the boundaries is permissible. Cora has broad boundaries that look nearly like freedom. The Dark Lady has tight boundaries that feel like slavery. Either way, I'm learning.

I'm ruined for the muggle world. I can't ever go back and live happily there.

[Matthew Cox]

May 20, 2012

The meditation has helped with my depression. I try to find a spot with sunlight if I stay inside, or the rooftop if I go outside. I haven't had any breakthroughs yet as far as breaking the curse, but I feel better.

I've still been doing reading in my off time when I'm not helping Cora in the greenhouse, helping with potions, or going on patrols. I've gotten through her school books on herbology and potions crafting, some of her history school books, and the book on occlumency. Okay, I've been reading a lot, because I've also been in my Bible and LOTR. Her library is fantastic and I'm starving for entertainment. It could be worse, right?

[Matthew Cox]

May 22, 2012

Cora caught me teaching the Cobra lilies to speak on command. They're awful cute for being plants. Two of them especially have bonded with me. I've named the Castor and Pollux. Any time they sense me come into the greenhouse they start squeaking. And, unlike the other Cobra lilies, they pay attention when I read to them.

I love her greenhouse. Weird shit and all, it's a fascinating place to be. Trees growing indoors. The different parts, the grassland, the orchids, the pond...it's almost as good as actually being outdoors. There's a pine tree I've claimed as my own. It's a comfortable tree to nap or read in. Cora leaves me be whenever I'm in it. Not that I mind her coming and sitting with me, but she respects my space.

Maybe we can go for a run later...I'd like that. She said she had a new metabolism booster to help her keep up with me. I hope it's ready to test soon.

[Matthew Cox]

May 26, 2012

I keep having bad dreams. Me transforming into an actual devil, the night Cora captured me but instead of the imperius she killed me, me hurting people I care about...I keep having that last one with different people featured. From what I've read, the dreams are a symptom of being close to a breakthrough with occlumency. Something about being honest with your fears and accepting them as a part of ourself allows you to master your mind, blah blah blah. Long story short: I'm close to going home. Maybe I shouldn't get excited yet, but I'm excited.

The first thing I'm going to do is go the work and tell them what happened and confess to being the Devil. I might end up arrested, but that's okay. The second thing I'm going to do...I don't know. I really don't. I should focus more innit meditation, not get caught up in daydreams.