I know it isn't rational. He didn't see it coming. He would have put up a valiant fight as he always did if anything went wrong. He fought for so many years and just when things were going right. Just when we finally were going to start a family like we hoped after so many tries and so many years, something has to go wrong. I know it isn't his fault and it can't be, but I don't know what to do now. Everything is so blurry. I can't go a day without a tear. Reporters are making everything worse, and there is the constant burden of our child. What am I supposed to tell it? How do I describe John and everything about him so his child will understand? How do I get through this without his help? I don't even know if I can support a baby, or work with a baby. Even worse, I don't know how i'm supposed to live without him.
I know I never wanted to be this emotional wreck. I know John would have wanted me to keep on with my life and push on, for the baby if nothing else, but he was my first love. The only man to love me for something other than what I was. He was my first friend, the reason I have my job, my protector, my rock, and it's so hard to imagine that i'll never see him again; that i'll never wake up to find him besides me smiling every morning, or that he won't be their to hold our first baby.
I can't even visit his grave either. They never found the body. That's the worst of it. I know it would be best just to remember him as he was, but I want to see him so badly. I want to have a place where I can at least visit him and not just a stone with his name on it. The bastards that killed him didn't even leave me a place where I can take my child to see who his father was and how brave he was.
I don't know what i'm going to do. Even what help everyone is offering my isn't really helping. I just feel numb. It's like my heart was ripped out and burried where John's body couldn't be. The worst part is I don't even feel sad when I cry now. Just numb. Numb to everything. It's like life is a void. The only thing I can feel is the little piece of John I have left inside me growing everyday, and with it a little more of my worry and a little more of a reminder of how much I miss him and how shattered my heart truely is.